Archive for January, 2011
BTW if you hate to read, just click on the audio link, below. Then once you’ve listened, scroll down to the bottom of this page and listen to my song. It’s groovy.
Recently a girl I consider to be one of my closest friends said to me, “You let yourself get hurt by your best friends, don’t you?”
And I felt a little stunned. And defensive.
But instead of asking her if she gets hurt by her closest girlfriends, or just ignoring the question and changing the subject, or just giving a little stupid meaningless answer and moving on… Sigh. I launched into a 5 minute soliloquy of the Lifetime story of me getting burned, hurt and abandoned by some of my best girlfriends over the course of my entire life, starting from 2nd grade, onto 5th grade, 6th, 7th, then high school, then my 20′s.
It only really stopped, according to me, telling this to my friend, once I was in a marriage-like relationship (4 years living together) and then again when I was married for real. Nobody hurts me now! I declared. Because I just don’t let anyone get as close to me as my husband.
Have husband, have armor!
And yet… Husband lets me down, as often as whatever (see prior/future blogs), so is that really the answer for me? A: Shouldn’t I be able to have close girlfriends too, who never burn me? Or, B: Do I give my heart and my trust too freely? Or, C: Do I simply want other people’s attention too desperately?
Or do I just fucking talk too much?
(You are not allowed to choose “E. All of the above” because then I’d just have to slap myself.)
In this same conversation with my friend, I admitted to her that I have a weak, mushy side that is too needy, and no surprise here, it took me about 5-7 minutes (of weak, mushy talk) to explain it to her. She agreed, observing that I am “very open” (vs. her, who is often accused of being cold or closed). In order to say – something – I agreed with her observation, openly telling her that I am open with everyone, I let them in, I grow attached, and then yes, I get hurt when they do something that disappoints me.
I reduced myself from a strong, thoughtful, charismatic and caring adult back into a needy, vulnerable 6th grader.
I feel fantastic.
Or – truth be told – I feel violent.
I’m pissed I opened up like that to her. I’m pissed I still have that needy, mushy piece of a personality inside of me.
I’m pissed she saw it, and I’m pissed I have it.
I want to be strong and confident with a thick skin.
And yet… I don’t like that cold, closed aspect of my friend’s personality. It’s off-putting.
I think one of the reasons I’m so open with her & with people like her, is that I want to make them feel loved and comfortable and safe enough so that they too can start to open up and shed their guarded façades. It generally works, endearing me to her type, so I have many of these types of “close girlfriends”.
Is it such a shock that sometimes, over time…
They dump me?
Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)