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Archive for September, 2013

The Empire Strikes Back! (with funny phrasings)

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 9:40 AM
Monday, September 16, 2013

Back by popular demand… or, to be precise, because there are just so darned many hilarious things that pop out of my four-year-old’s mouth…

….I present to you another installment of

ESTHER-ISMS!

10. Examining the tiny baby clothes of her new brother: “They’re paradise! They’re rare! They’re paradise love.”

9. “Baby-suit” (bathing suit)

8. “Klum” (plum)

7. “Why are you following my voice?” (To her brother who was annoying her by repeating everything she said)

6. In ballet “class” (Esther is the teacher, her little friend Ruthie, the student):  ”We need to do moving! Poting! Sixteening! Mermaid Tailing!!”

5. Commenting on a huge billboard featuring several of the Queen’s guards (the British ones with the tall furry black hats): “Look! An army! A boingy army!!”

4. “It’s a forest! Maybe there’s a Big Woof!” (big wolf)

3. Triumphantly, after finishing  doing ‘#2′ on the toilet: “You see? I was right! The pee pee introduces the poo poo!”

2. “One of my foods? His name is Yehuda? He’s a broccoli? And he’s a whippersnapper. He like to hide things and sneaks things and likes candy.” (Esther chatting with us at the dinner table)

… AND, FOR WHATEVER REASON, MY FAVORITE RECENT ESTHER-ISM:

10. (As she sits in the bathtub): “Whoa! This bath is soggy!”

I hope you’ll agree, we’ve got to enjoy this goldmine while it lasts…

c/xo,

 

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

Note the plastic/glass Cinderella "slippers"...

Yep. She clicked 'em 3 times and look what happened!

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Flashback Friday! (Dear Kind Sir)

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 10:15 AM
Friday, September 13, 2013

Most Fridays, I post an oldie but a goodie blog for your enjoyment. To those of you who just started reading The Grownup Girl recently, enjoy the “new” blog! To those of you who have been with me from the start, but have memories like mine, enjoy the “new” blog!

And to those who were with me from the start and who already read this blog and burned it into your memory, word for word, photogenically, I say:

What are you doing wasting your time dilly-dallying on my website? Get out there and find me a book deal!

SUBJECT LINE: FINAL STAGE OF YOUR FUND TRANSFER!!!

Message to me (from con-t@admin.org):

Goodday,

I have been waiting to hear from you for some time now. Like I told you earlier, I don’t want a hitch to this fund transfer and I have put up arrangement to source for fund which you will use to pay up all the charges that will spring up during the fund transfer.

I have concluded with an investor in the US who is ready to fund this project upto its conclusion on the condition that he will get 15% of your fund (US$8.3Million). And the investor advise that you setup an Internet PoS terminal to a Merchant Solution Account. So I will advise that you contact any Merchant Solution Company close to you for more information on how to setup the Internet Pos Terminal, so that the investor can issue his credit card details to you for processing of US$150,000.00 which you will cash out and send back to the account information that will be made available to you, so as to enable us complete the pending transfer of US$8.3Million.

Thanks for your understand and compliance, and I will appreciate your swift response.

Yours Sincerely,

James Hord

My reply:

OMG!! I’m SSOOOOOOO excited that this money is coming my way, I SOOOO need it right now!!! I mean, all my friends have Rolex watches & Prada purses and I have a Calvin Klein from Ross, I mean, come on! Listen, when you contact me, I think it will be very helpful for you to call me on my personal cell phone so no one interferes with this important transaction, so please take note: 888-hot-GirlZ – if I don’t answer, just leave a message, it’s $2.95 per minutes but I promise you will LOVE the sexy breathing on the other end!

 

Great to talk to you, don’t be a stranger!

xxoo

SUBJECT LINE: Contact E-mail:  upscs@dgoh.org

Message (from Sheila.Meindl@touro.edu):

After much attempts to reach you on phone, I deemed it necessary and urgent to contact you via your e-mail address and to notify you finally about your outstanding compensation payment.

During our last annual calculation of your banking activities we have realized that you are eligible to receive a compensation payment of $800,000.00 USD.

This compensation is being made to all of you who have suffered loss as a result of fraud, accident or illness.

For more info, contact the assigned UPS agent for the delivery of your cashier check.

United Parcel Service (UPS)
Name: Ford Hamilton
Tel: +2348058769039
E-mail:  upscs@dgoh.org

Please take note that you will pay a shipping/handling fee of $150 USD to UPS.

Thank you for your patience.

sheila meindl
Programme Manager
United Nations Human Settlements Programme

My reply:

That is fantastic. I have a bridge I’d like to sell you while we are at it! It’s only $5,000 cash, worth at least $50,000,000! If you pay my by Friday, the bridge is yours…

 

Send me the bills, unmarked and I’ll send you the documents.

 

Love & Kisses

sheva :)


Seriously, if you are buying, I'm selling! Rock bottom price, just for you!

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Dye that Hair, Grrrl!

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 9:30 AM
Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Dear makers of Garnier Nutrisse Hair Dye,

You are so super smart!

Thank you soooooooooooo much, like, for making this super-awesome product. I use it all the time to make my hair look like it’s not the fast graying-hair of a 40 year old, more like the normal brown hair of a prettier, younger me!

And the green box is so happy-colored and your conditioner and your fruit oil makes my hair so silky soft after I dye it, it’s just fantastic.

You go, girl!

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not just one of those people who love everything about everything. For example, I’m not crazy about the name of my color – “Truffle” – but that’s really a small complaint. I mean, what “color” is “Truffle” after all? Aren’t truffles like these gross grayish mushroomy things? That’s not what I want my hair to look like.

Plus, I think it’s really stupid that you have a little tab where you’re supposed to write the month, day & year you dye your hair, just below where you’ve written “We recommend coloring every 4-6 weeks,” and right above the scissors picture where you kindly advise me to “Clip and save your shade.”

First of all, do I really need to write the YEAR? If I need to do that, I’m definitely not in the business of coloring my hair every 4-6 weeks. I’m probably more of, like, a teenager who stole mom’s hair dye and is going to get an a lot of fucking trouble tomorrow, but today everyone else is out of the house and by golly, it’s party time!

Just kidding. I wish I were a teenager.

But still – you don’t need to TELL me to dye my hair every 4-6 weeks, and you don’t need to urge me to ‘write it down’ – THE GRAY GROWS OUT BY ITS SELF AND SHOWS ME THAT IT’S TIME FOR MORE DYE, DUH!!!

Plus, where am I going to keep that little slice of cardboard – in my wallet? Like I don’t have enough crap in there already, including 5 or six “Buy 12 Get One Free” cards, all of which have one or two squares stamped and are completely useless but I’ll still carry in there until the day they disintegrate JUST IN CASE I HAPPEN to go back to any of those places like, 10 or 11 more times.

Garnier Nutrisse, are you still listening? Cause I kinda feel like you’re just tuning me out.

Or maybe that’ just my insecurities talking.

Call me?

c/xo,

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

What coupon-clipping brainiac thought up this winner idea?

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Chips and Ice Cream

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 9:30 AM
Monday, September 9, 2013

Tortilla chips and M&M Ice Cream Cookies.

AKA what I ate last night at 11:30pm.

AKA the breakfast of champions exhausted mothers of newborns.

I do not like looking like I’m still 6 months pregnant, and I am trying to lose weight.

By “trying” I mean, of course, “wishing I had the willpower.”

And please, no emails or comments advising me to stop eating dairy so my spitty colicky baby can be a non-gas bubbly baby. I did give up dairy. And onions. And garlic. And spicy. And non-spicy. And anything bean-related. And peppers. And chocolate. And you know what happened?

Well, yes, I was extremely annoyed and hungry and not satisfied with the bland crap that I wound up stuffing in my mouth to satisfy the breastfeeding beast that is my hunger.

But more interestingly, it DID NOT MAKE ONE F*#!-ING DIFFERENCE IN THE COLIC SITUATION OF MY BABY.

Actually, that is a little bit of a lie – the spicy and hummus does seems to put him even more over the colicky edge. So I have left those in my rearview palate for the time being.

But everything else?

Did not matter for crap.

Also gripe water does not work. Also probiotics are not working. Nor is the Gas-Eez or whatever it was I was advised to buy and gave him for a week. Nor did the chiropractic visit, nor did the Chinese Dr. visit.

I’m okay with letting him just grow out of it, and by “okay” I mean I don’t seem to really have a choice and I’m dead tired of hearing other people’s opinions about what I’m possibly doing wrong to bring this suffering upon little David.

And by “dead tired” I mean hungry for chips and ice cream.

So there.

c/xo,

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

I'm not sure what's more depressing about this photo - the fact that I'm halfway through my SECOND ice cream cookie one half hour before midnight, or the fact that the long "To Do" list below the cookie has nothing crossed off it except "dye hair." I think I'll finish that cookie now...

 

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Flashback Friday! (Read This!)

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 9:36 AM
Friday, September 6, 2013

Most Fridays, I post an oldie but a goodie blog for your enjoyment. To those of you who just started reading The Grownup Girl recently, enjoy the “new” blog! To those of you who have been with me from the start, but have memories like mine, enjoy the “new” blog!

And to those who were with me from the start and who already read this blog and burned it into your memory, word for word, photogenically, I say:

What are you doing wasting your time dilly-dallying on my website? Get out there and find me a book deal!

I have always loved to read.

certain types of books, that is…

I’m a fast reader, voracious, if I’m into the book. Well-written chic lit novels rank up there next to female comedienne memoirs (give me Bridget Jones’ Diary or Bedwetter any day, I will EAT THEM for lunch!). I love David Sedaris, and I LOVE those incredible, incredible, timeless novels like Anna Karenina, War and Peace, Crime and Punishment, Middlesex, Anywhere but Here, and the legendary Bastard out of Carolina.

Back in my theatre days I poured over plays – Chekhov, Stoppard, Williams, Shepard, Albee, Kushner, Durang, Mamet, Shakespeare… the list is endless and soooo many amazing amazing writers.

In high school I was obsessed with short story writers, Flannery O’Connor, O’Henry, and Carver being my all-time faves.

I have always loved and still enjoy uplifting memoirs and autobiographies – Autobiography of a Yogi and Many Lives, many Masters come to mind, as does Angela’s Ashes. Yes, duh, of course I loved Eat, Pray, Love. If you read it, so did you.

Admit it!

Kids books? Sometimes. Harry Potter, yes, Lemony Snicket not so much (hello, happy endings, people?!)…

Magazines? New Yorker, yeah, baby. The Week? Crack.

When I first started studying Kabbalah in 2001, I couldn’t get enough of the books – The Way was the first one I obsessed over; later came The 72 Names of God, Education of a Kabbalist, Secret Codes of the Universe, and God Wears Lipstick. But then I got into oversaturation mode and now, even though I have a brief blip of excitement whenever I see a new title (Writings of Rav Ashlag, wow!), I have not been able to bring myself to read an entire Kabbalah Centre book from start to finish in years.

Worse, though, are financial books. These are books, I might add, that are even more important for me to read than the Kabbalah books, because whereas I am still learning about spirituality from the weekly classes I take and lectures I hear, I learn nothing about financial wellness anywhere except in bite-size meaningless pieces spit out by the Yahoo.com machine.

And I could use some help in that area.

But I just can’t seem to focus. I mean, I cannot finish a financial educational book even if you promise me a chocolate bar and a Hawaiian vacation upon its completion. (It’s a little embarrassing that I actually place chocolate BEFORE Hawaii as my potential incentive, but I gotta be me, right?)

My friend recommended one book specifically for people like me & my husband, who are reliant upon ‘freelance’ fees (me, as a writer, and him, as a general contractor – no salaries, no 401Ks, you know?) and I bought it immediately.

Reading it? Didn’t happen quite so fast. I did glance through it. And then….

!!!!! Sorry folks!!!!!!

Just THINKING about that book put me right to sleep.

Sigh…

Any suggestions?

c/xo,

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

That would SO be me... if I could just get through this *@#$!!#** book!!!

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Eco Mom Scores!

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 10:32 AM
Monday, September 2, 2013

Score one for the home team!

I just invented the MOST AMAZING hardwood floor cleaner.

Okay, I didn’t “invent” it, per se, as this substance already existed in nature, and by “nature” I mean, specifically, in my son’s stomach. You know, just before he barfed, or – let’s be polite – “spat” it up.

That’s right, I’m talking to you, Moms who want a clean, clean floor… look no further than your colicky/reflux-inflicted newborn!

SPITTY!

Yes, I admit, spitty can be a mom’s worst enemy – always striking when you least expect it, SPLAT! Onto the carpet! SPLAT! Onto the couch and pillows! SPLAT! Onto your freshly changed clothes! SPLAT! Onto your feet/sandals/shoes/shoes of your friend who made the mistake of standing too close!

You get the picture.

But now, eco-friendly moms, you can use this never-ending supply of fresh, all-natural baby spitty to your home advantage! Simply aim the child’s mouth onto your hardwood floors – oh, heck, just hold the little guy somewhere near the floors, we all know how that spitty travels!

Then, wait for the right moment… and VIOLA! Let spitty pool, then promptly wipe clean with a towel or paper towel. What next? Bask in the shine of your glowing hardwood floors.

Better than Bona.

One last tip – be sure to wipe the floors BEFORE the spitty dries. Once it dries, spitty becomes a stain, not a natural cleaner. But here’s a bonus – if you hold the baby around his middle and lean over with a cloth in the other hand to wipe the fresh spitty off the floors (AKA giving your floors the best shine of their lives), the pressure of your arm onto your child’s middle as you lean down will almost always yield another quarter to half gallon MORE of fresh spitty!

I gotta bottle this magic.

c/xo,

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

 

Regular hardwood cleaner - leaves dirt stuck to your floors!

 

Eco Mom's SPITTY CLEANER gets the job done! (Trademark pending)

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