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Archive for the ‘Advice’ Category

Penises and Mustaches

posted by Sheva 10:44 AM
Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Okay, boys, as promised, I’m writing a blog just for you. About your favorite subjects: penises and mustaches.

Those are your favorite topics, right? Penises and Mustaches?

Hey, mustaches are cool… in theory. I can’t actually tell you if they are cool in reality, because no one I know under the age of 60 has a mustache (and everyone knows that no one older than 60 is eligible to be called “cool” – they can, however, be called ‘spiffy’ or ‘nifty’ or even ‘sexy,’ especially if you are Sean Connery or Clint Eastwood or Mick Jagger).

So, guys, why don’t you all start growing mustaches? Seriously. It’s like the iPhone or the iPad – we need some “early adapters” here. Once the first few hundred of you start to grow them, the rest will jump on the bandwagon, and we’ll have brought the look back from the dead (where Burt Reynolds left it back in the 80’s) for all to enjoy!

And to be clear, I’m not talking about beards or goatees. Been there, done that. I’m talking a mustache. Not an overgrown, fu-manchu, or “look how retro hippie cool I am with little beads threaded into my mustache locks” mustache. Boy, please. Just a mustache, a simple, plain, trimmed mustache.

Picture it – Leonardo Di Caprio… with a mustache. Or even better, Ryan Gosling. With a Mustache.

Hot.

Okay, now that we’ve covered that topic, let’s move on to penises. Now, arguably, I’ve already covered this subject – when I wrote about how men in Spain took secret pictures of their penises on mine and my friend’s cameras, something we discovered only when we got back to the states & developed our pictures.

But there is more to penises than the fact that they are dazzlingly photogenic! (According to their owners.)  One not-so-well-known fact about penises is that in the olden days, penises were opposable -until God realized that men didn’t need them to draw sketches on cave walls, and via evolution, He took away that functionality over decades of generations.

Wait. I may be mixing penises up with pinky toes. And God with Natural Selection.

In any case, I hope this manly blog has inspired all of you manly readers to please grow a penis and to quit secretly photographing your mustache while the girls are out of the room.

You know what I mean.

c/xo,

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

Tell me I'm wrong.

Hot Chicks and Drunk Dudes

posted by Sheva 11:42 PM
Sunday, October 30, 2011

AKA, the scene at Trader Joes at 10pm.  Seriously. I’m always racing in there at like 9:45pm, 15 minutes before closing time, because that’s how I roll. Or, more specifically, that’s how I roll when I work full time, help kids with homework and dinner and bed, and/or go to classes and/or the gym during the week.

The weird thing about Trader Joe’s at that hour is that there are, like, tons of hot chicks strolling around doing their shopping. But the guys – they all looked kind of drunk, or “off.” What’s up with that?

SO – my advice to you, young bucks who read my blog, is: get thyself to a Trader Joe’s, late night, and meet your destiny! Or at least your next possible girlfriend.

Don’t worry, ladies, I haven’t forgotten about you. Yes, I know plenty of my readers already are married with kids, but even you have single friends who need sage advice, right? Tell those sexy singles to – #1: get OUT of Trader Joe’s at 10pm (too much competition!), and #2: get IN to an Apple store during normal business hours! (Preferably the one in the Beverly Centre, Los Angeles.)

Seriously – I went there the other day with an iPhone emergency, and I was SHOCKED by how many cute boys were milling around. Some worked there, some were shopping… what a find!! Sure, there were some hot chicks at the Genius bar too, but ladies, I’m telling you, you will be way outnumbered at the Apple Store.

So get out there, drop your iPhone into a toilet, and get thee a new boyfriend!

Yo, Bravo Network? You should so give me my own reality show.

c/xo,

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

I was going to say something snarky about how she'd never think to send her clients to find a girl at Trader Joe's, but I got too distracted by her enormous breasts to remember what I wanted to say..

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Flashback Friday! (Living With Kids)

posted by Sheva 2:07 AM
Friday, October 28, 2011

BTW, if you hate to read, just click on the audio link, below.

BatSheva (BatSheva Vaknin) – Living With Kids – the BLOG

Obviously this topic could take up as much room as an encyclopedia, so let me just address one or two tiny yet oh so irritating (albeit cute, in a gross way) differences in life once kids appear on the scene.

1. Boogers.

Found one today after I stepped out of the shower, slimed across my big toe. Apparently, one of my little whippersnappers had found my clean towel that had been hanging from the bathroom door a more appealing home for his/her booger than a tissue. And I, unwittingly, had swiped said booger across my toe during the habitual process of drying myself as I stepped out of the shower.

At least it was just my toe.

2. Pee pee.

It’s one thing to clean it off the floor after a kid has an “accident” (though that too runs my patience thin when it’s the third time that day and of a consecutive run of over one week of said “accidents”)… But it’s quite another thing to plop innocently down on the porcelain throne, our toilet, ready to do my business… only to feel that oh so unwelcome slippery wetness attach itself to my under-thigh. Someone’s pee pee.
Was it my son, who perpetually “forgets” to lift the seat to pee? Was it my daughter, who likes to slide forward on the seat in order to grab the toilet paper & wipe herself, smearing pee pee on the seat in the process?

It occurs to me I need to buy those commercial seat covers for my own damn bathroom. Because as bad as it is for me, I’m still their mom, they came out of me after peeing inside my stomach for 9 months, so after all, what harm’s a little of their pee pee going to really do to the back of my leg?

But for my house guests? Oh, my poor, innocent, unsuspecting guests.

c/xo

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

They look so innocent... and then come the boogers.

FLASHBACK FRIDAY! (Which form of Birth Control Sucks the Least?)

posted by Sheva 11:31 AM
Friday, October 7, 2011

Gentle readers, because I hate to think of you arriving at my blog on a Friday-Sunday and landing on the same old-same old blog (from Thursday), I’ve decided to launch a new initiative:

Flashback Friday!

Every Friday, I will post an oldie but a goodie blog for your enjoyment. To those of you who just started reading The Grownup Girl recently, enjoy the “new” blog! To those of you who have been with me from the start, but have memories like mine, enjoy the “new” blog!

And to those who were with me from the start and who already read this blog and burned it into your memories, word for word, photogenically, I say:

What are you doing wasting your time dilly-dallying on my website? Get out there and find me a book deal!

BTW, if you hate to read, just click on the audio link, below.

BatSheva (BatSheva Vaknin) – Birth Control SUCKS – the BLOG

In honor of the porn website that is a “the” away from being my URL, I’ve created… a GrownUpGirl Pop Quiz about sex, just for you!

Actually, it’s about birth control. Ready?

Please consider the following options and answer honestly: Which form of Birth Control do you hate the most? Is it…?

a) The Pill! Because it pumps you full of hormones, makes you (choose as many adjectives as you want): fat, break out, hold water, worry about what future effect taking the Pill will have on you? Or, if you’re breastfeeding, like me, maybe you hate it because every frickin time you forget to take that little pill at EXACTLY the same time each day (something impossible to accomplish, even for ‘To Do Checklist Freaks’ like me), you get – yippe! Your period (again)! Like, right before I finally trashed my last package and swore myself off the pill, I had gotten my 3rd period in a row in the same month. Mother fucker cock sucker!

Sorry, Gentle readers. That wasn’t me. That was the Pill talking just now.

b) The Sponge! Because, like every single woman I’ve ever met who has used the sponge, you got pregnant from it! You know who you are.

c) The Diaphragm! That is, if you’re like me and you can’t get the damn thing in there straight to save your life. And all that gooey spermicide you have to squeeze into it. Double he-ll no.

d) The IUD! Is it because they outlawed it for a while back in our mom’s day, and although we may like our bad-boy men, we do not like our birth control to be unlawful. Nor do I like the idea of hormones being pumped through my system on a daily basis, nor do I like the idea of a copper coil being inserted into my vagina, nor do I like getting anything but my husband’s penis inserted into my vagina, aside from tampons, of course, but I don’t exactly “like” that, it’s just a necessity. (refer to section a for details)

e) Drumroll please… the VCF! (Look it up, older moms like me who didn’t use birth control for a while because we wanted to get pregnant.) Now looky here, what’s this? My friend tells me it’s the best, easiest, coolest birth control around??? NOT. Whoever can get that damned film to stick itself properly in front of your cervix gets a standing ovation from me. I went through an entire box and still my husband found it stuck to him when we were finished having sex (it was supposed to have effortlessly dissolved within me).

f) Condoms! Who doesn’t like that dry rubbery feeling try to grind its way into your most sacred of spaces? Or the way some men’s you-know-whats just shrivel and go to sleep at the mere sight of a condom? Or the way you have to remove it afterwards and you feel like you are in the good company of hookers and teenagers all over the modern world?

*** Note: to unmarried sex-having girls and married but worried that he’s cheating girls: I’m sure there are lots of amazing things about condoms, like, for example, how you can’t get a horrible disease if he wears one correctly. So choose “f”, okay?

Okay ladies – you have your first official pop quiz. And to my sistahs, the lesbians & the virgins, just consider yourselves LUCKY that this survey doesn’t apply to you!

c/xo,

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

PS. Tune in again! Ciao for now, amigos. c/xo

They may look pretty but they still SUCK.

Wanna know where I got it?

posted by Sheva 11:12 AM
Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I’m a leo. And a (Grownup) girl. In other words, it’s not my fault that I love jewelry & diamonds and bling.

It’s in my DNA!

It doesn’t have to be expensive. I love fake bling too, especially the stuff that looks real. One of my happiest moments was when my friend, the world-famous jeweler Neil Lane, asked me if my giant “diamond” studs were real.

Actually, they were Mazza Gallery Cubic Zirconiums.

But just because I know they are fakes, doesn’t mean the whole world has to know. And yet my subconscious brain – the part that says stuff without my permission – doesn’t seem to understand that concept.

I mean, why did I have to admit to Neil that they were fakes?

And while we’re at it, why is it that, whenever someone compliments me on my dress, like Rain Man, I am compelled to blurt out, “Got the dress at Ross. Got the dress at Ross. Twenty-five dollars. Dress at Ross. Shoes, too. Twenty-five dollars. Shoes at Ross.”

Why can’t I keep myself cloaked in mystery? I admire those women who sashay through the room draped in High Fashion and unattainable-looking styles. Maybe the whole ensemble came from TJ Maxx, but they’ll never tell. (Unless you’re that fashion blogger who does the TJ Maxx TV ads. Sellout.)

Same thing goes for expensive items that I have… that were gifts.

Wow, incredible necklace!” someone inevitably remarks every time I wear this beautiful 3 ring diamond pendant I have.

Like clockwork, I immediately tell the admirer it was a gift from my mom, and lest they think my mother goes around spoiling me with diamond baubles (I WISH!), I add that it was a gift for me when I had my first child, and the three rings signify me, my husband and our newborn son.

Pre-burglary, I used to wear a giant 2-carat diamond engagement ring. Which, if you were a passer-by, you would assume my husband bought for me (by selling his body on the street? I mean, come on, he does well as a general contractor, but we like to eat, too…)  But all you’d have to do is compliment me on the ring, and you’d know soon enough that it was an heirloom – my mother’s grandmother’s engagement ring.

I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. And my jewelry in a safe when I’m not wearing it.

Here’s to living & learning! (& to wearing lots of sparkly things while I’m doing both…)

c/xo,

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

Love my new fur vest? It was a steal! Literally. From my little sister. Shoot, I blabbed again!

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You Know You’re Stressed When…

posted by Sheva 12:36 PM
Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Awww… I just found this list I banged out a few months ago, and I thought I’d better share it with all of you, since you probably have no clue when you’re stressed (vs. when you’re just happy go lucky).

You are welcome.

So here goes… YOU KNOW YOU ARE STRESSED WHEN:

  • You have a flash-fantasy of leaving home and running away to Paris
  • Your back spasms to the point of 4-Advil pain and three+ day immobility
  • Your back thigh muscle Charlie-horses on you
  • You dream of writing a “You Know You’re Stressed When” list and actually sneak to the computer to write it while your husband is putting the kids to bed & you are supposed to be doing the dishes
  • You are crazy tired
  • You think of all the things you need to get done and decide the most important thing is to watch Grey’s Anatomy episodes back to back (thanks to the wonders of Hulu)
  • You eat too much chocolate
  • You eat too much cake
  • You go out and buy chocolate or cake so you can eat it
  • You get in a giant ugly fight with your husband (his fault, natch, but why does he keep blaming me?)
  • You can’t take a deep breath
  • You’ve started to gain weight again
  • The thought that ‘the worst possible outcome is death,’ actually has a reassuring and calming effect
  • You start comparing yourself to other people, your husband/relationship to their husband/relationship, and your income/financial stability to theirs
  • You inadvertently sigh with relief when you find out someone you thought had a perfect husband/relationship/job/financial life is actually experiencing chaos in that area of life
  • The piles of papers and crap on your home office are rivaling the towers of papers and crap that still need to be sorted in your office-office
  • You are exhausted so you stay up until 1am or later watching too many Law & Orders.

As it turns out, I’m presently traveling through a healthier (physically & mentally) phase of life right now – yippee! – but that doesn’t mean I can’t remember those recent stressier days.

P.S. you probably won’t hear from me again until Monday because I’m going to NYC tomorrow – without my husband & kids, WHOO-HOO! Um, I mean, uh… sniff, wipe tear, whoo hoo

P.P.S. I told my husband that I don’t drink alcohol and I’m not even eating desserts right now so the main thing I’m looking forward to, going to the Big City on my own, free, no children to stop me, is…. SLEEPING.

Hey, a Grownup Girl’s gotta do what a Grownup Girl’s gotta do! (to get herself some beauty rest)

c/xo,

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

I don't know about you, but to me, this photo just SCREAMS New York City.

ME-cation

posted by Sheva 1:49 AM
Tuesday, August 30, 2011

What exactly is a “ME-cation,” you probably didn’t ask yourself as you (hopefully) read my last blog, since you probably already sussed it out that it was the brilliant product of combining those two familiar and yet – for parents – often contradictory words, “me” and “vacation.”

Well, since you asked…

A ME-cation is a vacation you take in your own home, with your own kids (some of them, at least). The main two stipulations for a ME-cation are the following: 1. Husband must go out of town to a place where he will be having a great time (so you will not feel guilty on your ME-cation), and 2. You must have a trustworthy nanny and/or babysitter you can hire to work extra hours during the time he is gone.

That’s it! Simple, right? Here are some more great tips:

1. Take private Pilates lessons, twice a week. I recommend Stacey Zimberg, she is incredible.

2. Go to a movie with girlfriends (or, more precisely, with the one girlfriend who sticks by you after the other two bail because the movie is later than you originally thought it would be and they are already tired. It’s okay, I wasn’t mad. They weren’t on a ME-cation, I was!)

a. Make sure that movie is Crazy Stupid Love or at least a fun action adventure or a feel-good romantic comedy, ideally starring Ryan Gosling.

3. Dream about Ryan Gosling. No, seriously, I did have a dream about him. Like, in the morning, while I was still sleeping. Don’t worry, it was G Rated, I love my husband!

4. Talk to your husband (and, in my case, your son) lots of times throughout the day and night on the phone. Feel happy for him/them that they are having a blast, and feel happy for yourself that you are too.

5. Stay up until 1, 2, maybe 3:30am watching Grey’s Anatomy. BECAUSE IT’S CRACK.

6. Go out to drinks and a late dinner at a cool Abbot Kinney restaurant with three awesome girlfriends who you never spend enough time with.

7. Take your daughters on special trips to ice skating, ice cream, and kids’restaurants, for fun “girl time.”

a. Make sure to bring a “mommy friend” or meet friends there so you can have ‘grownup’ talks while the kids have fun! (I told you, this is your ME-cation, woman, who are you, the babysitter??)

8. Don’t cook. Allow your friend to make a full meal for your kids and you, and don’t feel an ounce of guilt as they eat two entire dinners worth of her food in one sitting and remark that it’s “The best food they’ve ever eaten.” Feel the warm glow that happens when your children are well-fed. Who cares who fed them! They ate, and they liked it!

9. Impose upon your excellent cooks/nice/have kids the same age as yours neighbors to host you for two Shabbat lunches in a row.

10. Take a nice long nap after lunch on Shabbat, and don’t worry about your five year old daughter who is playing by herself the whole time you nap. She’s fine.

11. Take the girls swimming in the neighbor’s pool.

12. Make sure your husband’s garden is watered and cared for properly every day (AKA have the nanny do it on all days you are ‘unavailable’).

a. Pick the cucumbers that are ripe and get prickly fuzz all over your arms and be happy about it “because it’s not always easy taking care of things while he’s gone.”

13. Go surfing!

That’s about it, folks! Now go book your spouse that flight…

c/xo,

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

Long Live the Go-Go's!

DEAR KIND SIR

posted by Sheva 9:56 PM
Sunday, August 14, 2011

SUBJECT LINE: FINAL STAGE OF YOUR FUND TRANSFER!!!

Message to me (from con-t@admin.org):

Goodday,

I have been waiting to hear from you for some time now. Like I told you earlier, I don’t want a hitch to this fund transfer and I have put up arrangement to source for fund which you will use to pay up all the charges that will spring up during the fund transfer.

I have concluded with an investor in the US who is ready to fund this project upto its conclusion on the condition that he will get 15% of your fund (US$8.3Million). And the investor advise that you setup an Internet PoS terminal to a Merchant Solution Account. So I will advise that you contact any Merchant Solution Company close to you for more information on how to setup the Internet Pos Terminal, so that the investor can issue his credit card details to you for processing of US$150,000.00 which you will cash out and send back to the account information that will be made available to you, so as to enable us complete the pending transfer of US$8.3Million.

Thanks for your understand and compliance, and I will appreciate your swift response.

Yours Sincerely,

James Hord

My reply:

OMG!! I’m SSOOOOOOO excited that this money is coming my way, I SOOOO need it right now!!! I mean, all my friends have Rolex watches & Prada purses and I have a Calvin Klein from Ross, I mean, come on! Listen, when you contact me, I think it will be very helpful for you to call me on my personal cell phone so no one interferes with this important transaction, so please take note: 888-hot-GirlZ – if I don’t answer, just leave a message, it’s $2.95 per minutes but I promise you will LOVE the sexy breathing on the other end!

Great to talk to you, don’t be a stranger!

xxoo

SUBJECT LINE: Contact E-mail:  upscs@dgoh.org

Message (from Sheila.Meindl@touro.edu):

After much attempts to reach you on phone, I deemed it necessary and urgent to contact you via your e-mail address and to notify you finally about your outstanding compensation payment.

During our last annual calculation of your banking activities we have realized that you are eligible to receive a compensation payment of $800,000.00 USD.

This compensation is being made to all of you who have suffered loss as a result of fraud, accident or illness.

For more info, contact the assigned UPS agent for the delivery of your cashier check.

United Parcel Service (UPS)
Name: Ford Hamilton
Tel: +2348058769039
E-mail:  upscs@dgoh.org

Please take note that you will pay a shipping/handling fee of $150 USD to UPS.

Thank you for your patience.

sheila meindl
Programme Manager
United Nations Human Settlements Programme

My reply:

That is fantastic. I have a bridge I’d like to sell you while we are at it! It’s only $5,000 cash, worth at least $50,000,000! If you pay my by Friday, the bridge is yours…

Send me the bills, unmarked and I’ll send you the documents.

Love & Kisses

sheva :)



Seriously, if you are buying, I'm selling! Rock bottom price, just for you!

Don’t be a Dick

posted by Sheva 10:48 AM
Thursday, July 28, 2011

TOP 10 THINGS MEN SHOULD ALWAYS DO (I don’t care if you are a “feminist” or you are gay – you have a penis, don’t you? So get your notepad and let’s get started, shall we?)

    1. Hold the door open for a woman, let her pass through first. Shhh! I told you, I don’t care!
    2. Walk her to her car at night.
    3. Watch to see that she gets inside safely if you are dropping her home.
    4. If you are eating together, serve her first. Pour her wine first too.
    5. If she arrives in line the same time you do, let her go before you.
    6. Complement a woman on something about her appearance and/or actions. In a sincere way, obviously.
    7. Don’t be a dick.
    8. Examples of dick behavior:

    a. Talking about another girl/how hot another girl is

    b. Stare at another girl’s boobs

    c. Stare at our boobs for too long (a quick glance is okay, after all, what are we, invisible?)

    d. Complaining and/or whining about how we didn’t do something. Just ask us again in a nice way. We’ll take care of it.

    e. Being mean. I know, I know, you can’t always help this, and we lady-folk can be sensitive. So if you already WERE mean, being a dick would be if you didn’t say sorry afterwards.

    f. Watching TV instead of helping with the kids

    Hey! Where are you going! Dude, come back, you left your notepad!

    Dick.

    Well, for the rest of you boys who stuck around: if you follow these simple steps, you will not only get an A++ from The Grownup Girl, you will also unwittingly be making sure your lady friends fall in/stay in love with you…

    Shut up, it is NOT shallow. Why?  Because it works. Try it, you’ll see…

    c/xo,

    Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

    My kind of hombre

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