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Archive for the ‘Boobs’ Category

Flashback Friday is BACK! (The Rub)

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 11:13 AM
Friday, May 18, 2012

Every Friday, I post an oldie but a goodie blog for your enjoyment. To those of you who just started reading The Grownup Girl recently, enjoy the “new” blog! To those of you who have been with me from the start, but have memories like mine, enjoy the “new” blog!

And to those who were with me from the start and who already read this blog and burned it into your memory, word for word, photogenically, I say:

What are you doing wasting your time dilly-dallying on my website? Get out there and find me a book deal!

If you hate to read, just click on the audio link, below.

BatSheva (BatSheva Vaknin) – The Rub – the BLOG

Usually, there are three ways I can put my one year old daughter to sleep.

#1: the easy way. Only happens if her nap is cut short and she’s very tired. In this case, she will nurse and fall asleep almost immediately after (or during) – no matter if her 2 sibs are still making noise (all 3 kids share a bedroom).

#2: the sucky way. Most often, the baby will be wide awake and want to play, nurse me dry, then play some more, then scream her lungs out and try to climb out of her crib, long after the 2 older sibs have passed out from exhaustion & from the sheer hopelessness of getting me to hear what they want to say over baby’s sleepless wails.

#3 the best way – my husband puts her to bed, or a babysitter does, in which case she will usually rest her head on their shoulder and allow them to put her to sleep within a matter of seconds.

But the other day… A 4th way was born!

I was alone with the 3 kids, Husband working late. It was much later than their usual bedtime, but 2 factors were working against me – 1, Baby had taken too long of a nap, I think over two hours, and 2, I had given her a bottle of almond milk to keep her busy while I helped Husband prepare for his meeting, and this milk has so much sugar that it woke her right up.

Brilliant planning, I know…

So as usual, the 2 bigger kids were giving me a bit of trouble, but both dropped off pretty quickly once the requisite hazing period was over. I was just starting to steel my shoulders in preparation for the screaming and crying and flailing from Baby as I refused to let her leave her crib, when I remembered something my mother had said to me once. When we were visiting my parents – not even our most recent trip, but I think it was the trip 1 year ago – my mom told me the baby fell asleep easily with her after she gave her a “baby massage”.

What the hell, right?

I started rubbing and gently kneading Baby’s shoulders and arms.

Holy crap.

Girlfriend lay still, relaxed, and loose, lapping up the feeling it was giving her. Encouraged, I kneaded her little chunky thighs, her calves, those romping stomping feet, back up to the shoulders, the arms, the hands. I even worked on her ears, her eyebrow bones and her chin. I was SO Burke Williams.

After a few quiet murmurs and a roll here and there… she yawned once and fell asleep.

Score!

To sleep , perchance to dream… my turn now.

c/xo

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

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Flashback Friday! (Things I learned while traveling to Austin, TX)

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 11:47 AM
Friday, March 2, 2012

Every Friday, I post an oldie but a goodie blog for your enjoyment. To those of you who just started reading The Grownup Girl recently, enjoy the “new” blog! To those of you who have been with me from the start, but have memories like mine, enjoy the “new” blog!

And to those who were with me from the start and who already read this blog and burned it into your memory, word for word, photogenically, I say:

What are you doing wasting your time dilly-dallying on my website? Get out there and find me a book deal!

If you hate to read, just click on the audio link, below.

BatSheva (BatSheva Vaknin) – Things I Recently Learned on my Trip to Austin – the BLOG

1. You know how, when you stare at someone in front of you or across the room, they somehow feel you staring and turn to look? I have recently learned that this amazing invisible laser power of our eyes is rendered useless when used on a person who has been locked in the airplane bathroom for close to fifteen minutes. Damn the cryptonic powers of the bathroom door!

2. You know how there are, like, 100 hilarious male comedians, and, like, about 2 good girl ones? I have recently learned that those two good girl ones each just published their own books – BEDWETTER by Sarah Silverman, and BOSSYPANTS by Tina Fey. Don’t borrow them – buy them. Read them, then find yourself crying with laughter and convulsing uncontrollably as other airline passengers pretend not to stare.

3. The FOUR SEASONS has one of the most comfortable beds in the world. And the best blackout curtains ever. I recently learned that I still remember how to “sleep in” when there are no children or husbands around to wake me up. Lunch, anyone?

4. You know how the FOUR SEASONS is supposedly a really swanky hotel? Well, I recently learned that they don’t always answer the front desk phone, and their gym is really small. What’s up with that?

5. While I had met my little sister’s fiancé once or twice, I only recently learned (by hanging out with him & her together the whole weekend) that they are AMAZING TOGETHER and he’s a terrific guy. Go, Sis!!

6. So, moms, you know how when, you stop breastfeeding, your milk goes away after a few days? Well, I have recently learned that even if that happened painlessly & uneventfully with the FIRST two children, going cold turkey with the THIRD child can lead to crazy painful boobs and leaky nipples even though she was already down to one feeding a day.

a. Corollary: Upon returning to town, I learned that Baby was still able to nurse – milk had not disappeared – and my poor achy & sore boobs were happy about that although all plans to wean her have now been thwarted.

7. I recently learned that catching a plane mid-morning in Austin, TX, does not require the 2 hour advance check in that an LAX flight does. More like, 45 minutes, tops.

8. I recently learned that, while people in Austin are nice and smart, they could use some help in the ‘dying gray hair’ category. Also the “wearing fashionable clothes” category.

9. Welcome back home, self! Happy Passover to everyone else… Be back by the end of the week-ish.

EDITOR’S NOTE – weird that I wrote this just over one year ago! Don’t miss the milky leaky boobs but do miss the closeness breastfeeding creates with Baby. Okay, and the bigger boobs. Duh.

Cx/o,

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

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Flashback Friday! (This I know is True)

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 1:33 PM
Friday, January 20, 2012

Every Friday, I will post an oldie but a goodie blog for your enjoyment. To those of you who just started reading The Grownup Girl recently, enjoy the “new” blog! To those of you who have been with me from the start, but have memories like mine, enjoy the “new” blog!

And to those who were with me from the start and who already read this blog and burned it into your memories, word for word, photogenically, I say:

What are you doing wasting your time dilly-dallying on my website? Get out there and find me a book deal!

If you hate to read, just click on the audio link, below. !

BatSheva (BatSheva Vaknin) – This I know is True – the BLOG

I’ve lived a long while, and learned much in my 28 or so – COUGH – years… and I thought it’s about time I stopped hogging all this important information, and start sharing it with the world. So here goes!

True:

1.      You should never ask a woman if she’s pregnant. NEVER. DO YOU HEAR ME?? I don’t care if it’s been two years since she gave birth, that belly she has is from her last pregnancy. I know her stomach is enormous. I know her stomach appears to be bigger this week than it was last week. Don’t. Ask her. If she’s pregnant.

2.      The reason women’s boobs get gigantic when they are pregnant is NOT because they are filling with milk. The milk doesn’t come until the baby is born, dummy. The big boobs are there for one reason and one reason alone: to distract your husband from your large belly and big ass. God is brilliant.

3.      If you throw gum on the ground, you’ll step on gum within a week or so. Don’t tempt fate. Trust me on this one.

4.      If you like food more than alcohol, you are probably Jewish. Seriously, check your lineage on your mom’s side. Told you.

5.      Chocolate is good for you. Period.

6.      Don’t trust anyone who tells you they have found their soulmate. In fact, TRUST that they have NOT found their soulmate if they tell you they found their soulmate. Off the top of my head, I can think of two friends, very spiritual, sharing, and smart women. They both “knew” they had met their soulmates. I was jealous. Until, a couple years later, when one of those two women had married a completely different guy. The other married her “soulmate”… and then divorced him. She’s remarried now to a different guy. I mean, I’m into my husband and everything, but who am I to know from soulmate?

7.      Drinking olive oil before drinking a lot of alcohol does NOT prevent you from getting wasted, nor does it prevent you from getting alcohol poisoning the next day. If my kids ever read this blog, I’m just guessing about this one, I wouldn’t really know since I’ve never gotten drunk.

8.      Crap. I had a really good one, but I forgot it.

9.      Some of the smartest and best people didn’t go to college, and some didn’t even graduate high school. I can say that with authority, because I graduated Yale with straight A’s, and some of my best friends and peers never came close to college.

a.      Corollary: Happiness is more important than getting into a “good” school.

b.      Corollary to that Corollary: On the other hand, going to a good college does help you think of cool words like “Corollary.”

10.      If you forget something you were going to say or do, go back to the exact physical place you were when you first had the idea. You’ll see – do that, and you’ll remember what you had forgotten! Argh, but I’m sitting right where I was before; why can’t I remember what I wanted to say for number 8?? It was such a good one!!

On that note…

c/xo,

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

Yummy on Salad. Not so much before drinking 17 kinds of alcohol.

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Boobs in Training

posted by Sheva 1:08 AM
Thursday, May 26, 2011

If you hate to read, just click on the audio link, below.

BatSheva (BatSheva Vaknin) – Boobs in Training – the BLOG

I don’t know if they even have such a thing these days, but back when I was in 5th grade and had no boobs to speak of whatsoever, I proudly owned my first Training Bra. I say “owned” and not “wore” because if memory serves (and it often doesn’t, for more on that read my Memory Loss blog), once I actually tried on the bra, I found it was far less comfortable than my ten years of no bra wearing.

These days, I still have no boobs to speak of, but instead of a training bra I’ve got fantastic Victoria’s Secret bras, the secret of which I’d never tell for fear of the Victoria’s Secret Mafia finding out, but suffice it to say, it may have something to do with silicone and optical illusions.

My boobs are small. Which is not to say they aren’t functional – see past blogs about breastfeeding and about my youngest daughter’s obsession with/possession of my boobs.

Note to self: Figure out how many self-referential blog references are really “allowed” in a blog before the blog itself becomes one big advertisement for past blogs. Research ideas: watch The Greatest Movie Ever Sold, poke around online, read this blog once it’s done to see if it comes across too Hey look at me! -y…

Ahem. As I was saying, my boobs are gigantic. Wait, sorry – what I was saying? Sorry, I was just looking at myself in the mirror (I’m wearing a new Victoria’s Secret bra) and I got distracted.

That’s right, I was talking about bras and how I’ve never really needed them. And then I started to write a paragraph about going bra-less but I just had a flashback to how my father commented on one of my recent blogs (my acid trip blog) and suddenly the prospect of writing about my own boobs has 100% lost its appeal.

Wow – imagining my dad reading my blog turns out to be a better censoring tool than the FCC! Thanks a lot, Pops. (Actually, seriously – THANK YOU. I really don’t need to be a stream-of-conscious-writer in a public arena where someday my future run for president may be jeopardized. But just in case I decide to write about something racy in the future, I’ll post a “NO DAD GO HERE” warning, k, Dad?)

Well, let me just wrap it up by saying this: I’m not admitting and I’m not not admitting to having naturally large or small boobs… but I will say if I ever have a chance to buy stock in Victoria’s Secret, I just may do so.

c/xo,

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

This is totally me right now.

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