Every Friday, I will post an oldie but a goodie blog for your enjoyment. To those of you who just started reading The Grownup Girl recently, enjoy the “new” blog! To those of you who have been with me from the start, but have memories like mine, enjoy the “new” blog!

And to those who were with me from the start and who already read this blog and burned it into your memories, word for word, photogenically, I say:

What are you doing wasting your time dilly-dallying on my website? Get out there and find me a book deal!

If you hate to read, just click on the audio link, below. !

BatSheva (BatSheva Vaknin) – This I know is True – the BLOG

I’ve lived a long while, and learned much in my 28 or so – COUGH – years… and I thought it’s about time I stopped hogging all this important information, and start sharing it with the world. So here goes!

True:

1.      You should never ask a woman if she’s pregnant. NEVER. DO YOU HEAR ME?? I don’t care if it’s been two years since she gave birth, that belly she has is from her last pregnancy. I know her stomach is enormous. I know her stomach appears to be bigger this week than it was last week. Don’t. Ask her. If she’s pregnant.

2.      The reason women’s boobs get gigantic when they are pregnant is NOT because they are filling with milk. The milk doesn’t come until the baby is born, dummy. The big boobs are there for one reason and one reason alone: to distract your husband from your large belly and big ass. God is brilliant.

3.      If you throw gum on the ground, you’ll step on gum within a week or so. Don’t tempt fate. Trust me on this one.

4.      If you like food more than alcohol, you are probably Jewish. Seriously, check your lineage on your mom’s side. Told you.

5.      Chocolate is good for you. Period.

6.      Don’t trust anyone who tells you they have found their soulmate. In fact, TRUST that they have NOT found their soulmate if they tell you they found their soulmate. Off the top of my head, I can think of two friends, very spiritual, sharing, and smart women. They both “knew” they had met their soulmates. I was jealous. Until, a couple years later, when one of those two women had married a completely different guy. The other married her “soulmate”… and then divorced him. She’s remarried now to a different guy. I mean, I’m into my husband and everything, but who am I to know from soulmate?

7.      Drinking olive oil before drinking a lot of alcohol does NOT prevent you from getting wasted, nor does it prevent you from getting alcohol poisoning the next day. If my kids ever read this blog, I’m just guessing about this one, I wouldn’t really know since I’ve never gotten drunk.

8.      Crap. I had a really good one, but I forgot it.

9.      Some of the smartest and best people didn’t go to college, and some didn’t even graduate high school. I can say that with authority, because I graduated Yale with straight A’s, and some of my best friends and peers never came close to college.

a.      Corollary: Happiness is more important than getting into a “good” school.

b.      Corollary to that Corollary: On the other hand, going to a good college does help you think of cool words like “Corollary.”

10.      If you forget something you were going to say or do, go back to the exact physical place you were when you first had the idea. You’ll see – do that, and you’ll remember what you had forgotten! Argh, but I’m sitting right where I was before; why can’t I remember what I wanted to say for number 8?? It was such a good one!!

On that note…

c/xo,

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

Yummy on Salad. Not so much before drinking 17 kinds of alcohol.