You know how the razor industry completely outdoes itself every season?
Take Gillette, for example. Venus. They don’t just outdo the competition – I think they already did that like four blades and three shades of pink ago. No, Venus crushed the competition long ago, and now appears to be in a race to outdo itself with each new razor release – the Venus with THREE blades, the Venus with FOUR blades, the Venus with a vibrating head that massages, shaves, then serves you a cold martini when you step out of the shower.
Okay, I’m getting ahead of myself – that last one is next season’s model.
But – for real now – I am currently the proud owner of one hilarious Venus razor.
Puddin in the mix.
Or, “lotion,” according to Gillette – lotion, in the form of two mounds of white “lubricant” on either side of the millions of blades, so that no matter how much or how little soap you use (who really uses shaving cream past age 15 anyway?), your legs will be properly moisturized before and after the shave.
However, I am convinced that this “lotion…?”
Is not lotion.
No, my friends, I have used this razor for almost a year now, and I am 99% positive that Gillette’s secret moisturizing ingredient is none other than…
Probably the brainchild of some amped-up Gillette executive who just felt he HAD to push the razor barrier beyond its current limits of 47 blades and a back rub.
Sperm-lubricated razor barriers… Take THAT, Schick!
Here’s what it looks like:
See?!? I wasn’t kidding.
Okay, I know that photo doesn’t really show the whole sperminess of this razor, but I PROMISE you, once it’s all wet & gooey – there is no other conclusion one can reach.
I originally wanted to show just how spermy this razor gets, but I couldn’t get a good angle of it with my iPhone while the razor was wet… so then I tried to draw it, but my picture looked more like a razor crying or a razor throwing up.
Oh, fine, here’s the picture:
Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)