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Posts Tagged ‘fear’

Flashback Friday! (No Fear)

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 8:56 AM
Friday, November 30, 2012

Most Fridays, I post an oldie but a goodie blog for your enjoyment. To those of you who just started reading The Grownup Girl recently, enjoy the “new” blog! To those of you who have been with me from the start, but have memories like mine, enjoy the “new” blog!

And to those who were with me from the start and who already read this blog and burned it into your memory, word for word, photogenically, I say:

What are you doing wasting your time dilly-dallying on my website? Get out there and find me a book deal!

Ever had some rageaholic a-hole scream and go red and basically scare the shit out of you? (Even if they are screaming at someone else in front of me, my heart still speeds up to a mile a minute.) As a kid, did a parent terrify you? Or, later on, what about a boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse? Teacher? The IRS?

(Or were/are you the screaming rager type?)

As a kid, I would do all things necessary, including shrinking into a tiny mouse and/or people please to the Nth degree, just to avoid the feeling of being scared by someone’s disapproval, criticism or rage. As an adult… sad to say, not that much has changed. I still hate getting criticized, hate having someone mad at me, loathe being in the presence of shouting and rage. My stomach goes into a knot, I obsess about the person and situation, my shoulders hunch and my ability to get a good night’s sleep evaporates.

On the other hand… I secretly admire rageaholic friends of mine. Why? Exactly for that same attribute that scares the shit out of me: they have almost hunger for a confrontation – they seek it out, then act, speak, and instigate as they please. Usually, in the moment of anger, my brain partly shuts down and I don’t even consider making waves or really standing up for myself. Then later, I think about what I’d like to say, but I still DON’T GO BACK & say it. Why? Fear of how they will react. Fear that person will stop “liking” me. Fear…..

Yuck. So disgusting just to read my own words on the screen!

What is the answer? I KNOW I need to act differently. I’m afraid to.

One of the great spiritual kabbalists, the Baal Shem Tov, was given this advice by his father:

Never fear any person or any situation. The ONLY thing you should EVER be afraid of is disconnection with the Creator.

The Baal Shem Tov lived by this credo. Just remembering this story gives me strength and helps erase my own fears. Now, if only I could internalize this completely…

But until then, the only thing I’ve found that helps me dissolve my fear, besides literally talking myself out of it, is writing. Songs, blogs, stories, scripts… you name it, I’ve probably written it. To that effect, below is a song I wrote years ago… enjoy! [Editor's Note: Stupid $#&QY$%#(@ WordPress won't Play my song anymore. I tried to re-upload it & it's telling me to 'go take a hike' in WordPress language. My kingdom for some software savvy!]

And by the way, thanks again for providing an ‘audience’ for my thoughts & observations. Stay tuned, and…who knows! Maybe someday you’ll be reading about how I felt nary a drop of dread or fear as someone lobbed a harsh criticism or rage-a-tantrum at me.

I believe in miracles! You sexy thing…

c/xo,

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

BatSheva (BatSheva Vaknin) – Hard Love – SONG

I know I look fearless but it's all a facade. Quaking on the inside!

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Marketing Shmarketing. I wish.

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 12:00 PM
Tuesday, October 16, 2012

I completely suck at marketing myself (she writes to the handful+ of readers she has managed to “amass” via blogging sans marketing).

Well, okay, there was that ONE BLOG where I attempted to market myself.

Sorry, folks. Just fell off my chair laughing. Oh yeah, that worked AMAZING.

Not too long ago, I tried to hire a friend at a dismally low fee to do some marketing on my behalf. She immediately took the job, exclaiming she would do it for free! (But I insisted on paying) – and then even more immediately did nothing, for an entire month, until she admitted she had no time to help me.

Everyone has time. What we don’t always have are priorities. Specifically, marketing BatSheva’s creative endeavors don’t ever seem to be mine or anyone’s priority, even if I try to throw some money at the problem.

Back when I had a band, “marketing” meant sending flyers via postcard, and later, emails, every time I had an upcoming gig. (Pre-YouTube/Facebook/Twitter/Modern Word Years)

It was exhausting.

I gave it up – the marketing & the band – when I just couldn’t do it anymore. The marketing, of course, I would have loved to continue playing. Just not to the same audience of 20 friends plus random stragglers.

I worked for five years on a novel that I was SOOO proud of. Until 45 or so agents rejected me, some after asking me to just ‘rewrite the ending’ or whatever, tantalizing me then slamming the door in my face.

Yesterday, my sister urged me (yet again) to self-publish. “It’s easier than ever now to do it!” she promised. “Everyone is doing it!

I have no doubt.

No doubt, that is, that I could do it, in a heart beat. And then…

… it would languish there, on the digital/metaphysical shelves, for eternity, as yet again, its author neglected to do the one thing that would prompt people to buy & read it – market it.

Sigh….

c/xo,

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

PS: Here’s one of my songs that COULD have been a hit… right? If only I knew how to – come on, all together now - MARKET MYSELF!
BatSheva (BatSheva Vaknin) – Cradle you – the SONG

 

...Me, pretending I'm "Someone"

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Flashback Friday! (No Pain, No Gain)

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 11:36 AM
Friday, September 7, 2012

Every Friday, I post an oldie but a goodie blog for your enjoyment. To those of you who just started reading The Grownup Girl recently, enjoy the “new” blog! To those of you who have been with me from the start, but have memories like mine, enjoy the “new” blog!

And to those who were with me from the start and who already read this blog and burned it into your memory, word for word, photogenically, I say:

What are you doing wasting your time dilly-dallying on my website? Get out there and find me a book deal!

If you hate to read, just click on the audio link, below.

BatSheva (BatSheva Vaknin) – No Pain No Gain – the BLOG

I should have bought stock in Excedrin – I was onto Excedrin from around age 10 (years before the rest of the world – including Excedrin itself if you go by when they started running their migraine headache ads – discovered that Excedrin is THE only decent medical solution for a pounding migraine). Later, though, in my 20’s and early 30’s, Advil was my painkiller of choice. I loved those yummy little auburn pills, and they generally kicked the headache away, though occasionally I admit I had to take up to four at a time sometimes to really get the job done.

I’m not sure what caused me to stop taking painkillers for headaches recently. Perhaps I was tired of being jealous of my girlfriend who never takes any drugs for any pain, and decided to let her inspire me instead. Perhaps it was the comprehension of what it means to give birth to three babies without a drop of pain medicine – could a headache really be as painful as the giant head of a human forcing its way out of your vagina? No. It could not. (Sorry for that visual, guys, & sorry girls who aren’t moms yet.) (And – yo, High five, other moms!)

And yet…

My excuse for giving birth without painkillers had more to do with the baby’s health than my own – I liked the idea of keeping my baby drug-free for at least the first few days or weeks of its life. When it comes to my own body, it is not exactly a temple – I do have the occasional drink and over-indulge in desserts here and there, but I do eat pretty healthy, I don’t drink soda, and don’t do any drugs or heavy drinking like I may or may not have done in my teens and twenties. (Thank GOD we didn’t have YouTube and cameras everywhere back then. People may “remember,” but no one can prove I was anything less than a saint!)

But if not a temple, I do treat my body like something I’d like to keep around as long as possible, and in decent shape while I’m at it. So I eat healthfully, I drink tons of water, I exercise, and I don’t smoke or do drugs or drink more than a glass or so of wine a week.

So where does the Advil fit in? It doesn’t. I think years of listening to my homeopathic doctor has worn me down – I now believe him when he tells me Advil is hurting my body more in the long run than it is helping it in the short run. (For anyone who read my last blogyou know I didn’t bother to read up about it, so his word really is all I have to go on…)

One week ago, I found myself in the throes of a pretty obnoxious headache. Pounding head, rigid neck muscles… after a few hours, it grew worse and worse… until I was finally nauseous and ready to vomit. I lay on our couch, useless to my husband and my kids, and I tried to remember how much worse it must have been, giving birth. (Couldn’t remember, BTW – it’s true what they say about forgetting how it feels. Obvi – how else could women get suckered into having more than one child?)

Then – the most amazing thing happened. It went away.

First it was a ‘start and stop’ kind of a thing, where I’d think it was leaving me, only for it to return with a vengeance a few moments later. But finally, it was complete gone. And then I DID remember something about giving birth without drugs: that surreal moment after it’s done, and the baby is out. You feel more lucid and alive than ever before in your life. You survived! You made it! The endorphins kick in and you feel like ten million bucks. (Until the breastfeeding starts, and the lack of sleep overtakes you and makes you feel like a zombie, but we won’t burst that bubble just yet.)

This past weekend I lived through a mild flu/severe cold (who the hell can tell the difference?) without taking anything except for homeopathic remedies. (It actually may be time to buy stock in Oscillococcinum, that stuff is GOLD.) I’m still a little stuffy, but I made it through the worst of the storm and I was drug-free as the clouds lifted and the aches finally cleared. Modern medicine is fantastic. But as grateful as I am for all its bounty, I find myself even more thankful for my ever-stronger willpower that has afforded me a rare taste of that “light at the end of a tunnel” health I now relish.

Here’s to hoping it lasts…

c/xo,

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

Hang in there, little guy! It'll be over soon, I promise!

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Bone Dry

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 10:56 AM
Monday, April 16, 2012

Folks, this GrownupGirl is tapped out. Tired. Done.

I wanted to try & sleep tonight before 11pm (I know, who am I kidding, right?)… just finished the exhausting & demoralizing process of applying for a partial scholarship for my 3 kids’ tuition… still need to read a script for work, oh, AND fold four loads of laundry. Literally.

Oh yeah, and wash my hair with the MOTHERFUCKINGLICECOMB because that’s what we moms do. When our heads itch.

And please don’t ask me if my room and my kids rooms still need to be cleaned.

So who has time to write a blog? No one’s paying me to write this, and my adoring fans numbering in the – uh – “aughts”? Is that a word? The adoring ones, plus the other occasional fans… still not quite the incentive I need to keep this thing alive.

So what is?

It’s an amazing creative outlet, for one. Duh.

And then there’s that ‘miracle’ aspect to it – the thing that I’ve noticed happened since I’ve been maintaining this blog, which is to say… a smoothness to life that otherwise feels mighty bumpy. That, and the direction of my professional life since I’ve kept up the blog has continued to move forward and – while not YET financially rewarding – it does appear a bit more exciting and promising, each and every month that passes.

SOOOOO

FOR NOW….

I’ll stay up at least until midnight just for you.

And by “you” I mean, of course…

Me.

c/xo,
Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

What, you thought I was joking? I'M TIRED, I TOLD YOU! Freezing, too.

 

Dude, that is Jacked up!

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 12:46 PM
Wednesday, March 14, 2012

I don’t like to use inflammatory language. Strike that – I love using inflammatory language, but I constantly fight against that love because I am well aware that it is usually damaging. Words have power.

So that’s why I didn’t use the title for the blog I originally wanted to use, which was, “You know You’re a Po’ Girl When…”

Whoops. Did I just say that out loud?

Anyway, my point is that I don’t want to call myself the “p” word. (No, not that word, dummy! The one ending in “-oor!”) And yet… relative to the financial state I am used to enjoying (i.e. some type of income flowing regularly into our household from some avenue or another, so that at the very least an occasional night out at the movies doesn’t feel like we are scraping together funds to fly to Africa), lately, things around here have gotten a bit… how shall I put this delicately… Jacked up.

For example: I can’t afford a new bra right now. That said, all of my bras are about 80 years old. And, miraculously, I lost a bit of weight recently. The problem with those 2 facts (other than freezing all day long), is that with my small boobs, no matter how tight I make them, my bras just slip right up to my collarbones if I’m not sitting still.

Solution? I’ve fastened safety pins about 2 ½  inches up from the regular loops (towards the underarm), and now I hook the bra hooks into the safety pin in order to keep the bra snug.

Like I said. Jacked up.

And then, there’s my pajamas bottoms. Grey, flannel, soft, warm… perfect. And, recently… broken; the tie that pulls the elastic around my waist snapped.

Yeah. Safety pin time. Gets a little hairy in the middle of the night when I have to pee and forget it’s there. But so far, no major accidents.

And… the long sleeve shirt I’m wearing right now has a hole. Earlier today, I hooked it over my thumb and pretended it was a Lululemon-style shirt. Then I noticed another hole a few inches down from my thumb. Dang it.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, readers! Or, better yet? Save me some of your safety pins.

c/xo,

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

What, you thought I was exaggerating? And don't even get me started on those bleached out, fraying bed sheets...

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And then I Fell off the Wagon

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 4:09 PM
Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Remember the good ole days, surfing in the Pacific, Flying on the Trapeze, and –oh yeah, swearing off desserts and alcohol for 40 days?

Me neither.

It was all wiped from my memory last week, as I drove away from Trader Joe’s with three different desserts on the seat next to me – mini chocolate cheesecakes, dark chocolate pretzels, and shortbread chocolate cookies. Each box opened, each dessert shoveled into my mouth as rapidly as I could manage while keeping the other hand on the steering wheel.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

I still don’t really drink alcohol, because – quite simply – I can’t drink alcohol without throwing up or feeling completely shitty the next day, or both. So I get my ‘alcoholic’ sugar the next best way – or the old fashioned way, via ‘actual sugar’ sugar.

Like last night, when it was “my husband’s birthday,” (there’s always an excuse for an addict to get her fix, isn’t there?) and I ate a cupcake. Or two.

Or the day before, when I had chocolate cake and flan because my guests brought it over for lunch. Or the night before that, when I had a slice of disgusting chocolate non-dairy cake because my child was eating it and it looked good, and I couldn’t reconcile the disgusting taste in my mouth with how yummy it looked, until I had already eaten the whole thing.

Pathetic.

I haven’t gone back to my days of ‘chocolate every day,’ but I’m close. I keep thinking I’ll go off desserts again in January – isn’t that what everyone does? New Year’s Resolutions, yada, yada, yada. The truth is… it feels like I don’t want to miss out on all the delicious baked goods of this holiday season, but in my heart of hearts, I know what it REALLY is –

I don’t want to miss out on stuffing my feelings of anxiety (financial, career, life) back into a dark corner while I wait for things to go a little more “my way.”

And a very merry Christmas to you, too!

Sigh…

c/xo,

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

Evil. Pure, unadulterated, delicious, mouth-watering, chocolate-y, creamy, evil.

No Fear

posted by Sheva 12:25 AM
Tuesday, June 28, 2011

If you hate to read, just click on the audio link, below. And either way, make sure to SCROLL DOWN & listen to my sad cowgirl song I wrote just for you! (sort of)

BatSheva (BatSheva Vaknin) – No Fear – the BLOG

Ever had some rageaholic a-hole scream and go red and basically scare the shit out of you? (Even if they are screaming at someone else in front of me, my heart still speeds up to a mile a minute.) As a kid, did a parent terrify you? Or, later on, what about a boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse? Teacher? The IRS?

(Or were/are you the screaming rager type?)

As a kid, I would do all things necessary, including shrinking into a tiny mouse and/or people please to the Nth degree, just to avoid the feeling of being scared by someone’s disapproval, criticism or rage. As an adult… sad to say, not that much has changed. I still hate getting criticized, hate having someone mad at me, loathe being in the presence of shouting and rage. My stomach goes into a knot, I obsess about the person and situation, my shoulders hunch and my ability to get a good night’s sleep evaporates.

On the other hand… I secretly admire rageaholic friends of mine. Why? Exactly for that same attribute that scares the shit out of me: they have almost hunger for a confrontation – they seek it out, then act, speak, and instigate as they please. Usually, in the moment of anger, my brain partly shuts down and I don’t even consider making waves or really standing up for myself. Then later, I think about what I’d like to say, but I still DON’T GO BACK & say it. Why? Fear of how they will react. Fear that person will stop “liking” me. Fear…..

Yuck. So disgusting just to read my own words on the screen!

What is the answer? I KNOW I need to act differently. I’m afraid to.

One of the great spiritual kabbalists, the Baal Shem Tov, was given this advice by his father:

Never fear any person or any situation. The ONLY thing you should EVER be afraid of is disconnection with the Creator.

The Baal Shem Tov lived by this credo. Just remembering this story gives me strength and helps erase my own fears. Now, if only I could internalize this completely…

But until then, the only thing I’ve found that helps me dissolve my fear, besides literally talking myself out of it, is writing. Songs, blogs, stories, scripts… you name it, I’ve probably written it. To that effect, below is a song I wrote years ago… enjoy!

And by the way, thanks again for providing an ‘audience’ for my thoughts & observations. Stay tuned, and…who knows! Maybe someday you’ll be reading about how I felt nary a drop of dread or fear as someone lobbed a harsh criticism or rage-a-tantrum at me.

I believe in miracles! You sexy thing…

c/xo,

Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

BatSheva (BatSheva Vaknin) – Hard Love – SONG


I put on a good face, but inside? Terrified.

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