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Posts Tagged ‘Sleep’


posted by BatSheva Vaknin 9:50 AM
Monday, January 7, 2013

You know that thing? That thing, where, it’s Thursday night, the last real weeknight of the kids’ (and your) “winter break” and you kind of pushed it so after your husband made this amazing dinner, you know it’s your turn to do the dishes and you’re totally down with that but once you put the kids to bed you realize you’re the last person awake in the house (including your husband) and even though it’s only 8:45 it feels kind of like midnight and the last thing you feel like doing is the dishes and you consider leaving them all for the once-a-week housekeeper who will come tomorrow but you know that’s a total cop-out move and so you know sooner or later you’ll have to bite the bullet and just do the m-f-ing dishes and you’re just about to get going when you decide instead to sit for a minute at your computer?



Sometimes I think I’ve got a whole lot of nothing going on in my head. I’ll lie down at night – earlier than usual these days, thanks to the exhaustion of pregnancy + busy days and especially thanks to my nudge-y husband (when did he get so nudge-y!?) who now goes to sleep at, like, 8pm, most nights because he’s waking up at something like, 2am to start his day… (yes I may be exaggerating just a tad)… but anyway -

Where was I?

Oh yeah. The stupid thoughts in my head.

Wednesday night, I lay wide awake in bed, thinking about dumb, stupid things (i.e. – wondering what Facebook ‘friends’ who I never ever ever see and never ever ever were friends with in real life but who sort of maybe knew who I was at one point so they accepted my friend request, must think of me – in a judge-y way, of course – about how they probably think my name BatSheva is so weird and different, and how my life is so weird and different– and then I think how even stupider it is that I am wasting even 10 seconds caring about any of this, and obviously none of these Facebook ‘friends’ probably waste even 10 seconds thinking about me)…

And then I fall asleep, only to wake up at 4:23am to 3 year old Esther, who is crying from a nightmare. And as I take her to our bed I realize I was having a massive nightmare myself, about live sharks swimming in the water beneath my feet as I walked from room to room of a hotel I was staying at for some event where I didn’t know anybody.

The dream didn’t seem scary as much as it seemed unnecessarily stressful. Sort of like Facebook.

Lately, my thoughts have been overrun with fluff and nonsense. A product of my 2 weeks vacation from blogging?

I know, I know.

Quit thinking, start scrubbing. Dishes await.



Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

I know there is a lot going on here. Seriously, I'm down with copyright protection & all, but let's face it: we'd ALL be better off if the internet would just let me "BORROW" some cool images for my blogs! I promise I'll give them back!

Flashback Friday! (Seasons of Love)

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 11:45 AM
Friday, September 14, 2012

Every Friday, I post an oldie but a goodie blog for your enjoyment. To those of you who just started reading The Grownup Girl recently, enjoy the “new” blog! To those of you who have been with me from the start, but have memories like mine, enjoy the “new” blog!

And to those who were with me from the start and who already read this blog and burned it into your memory, word for word, photogenically, I say:

What are you doing wasting your time dilly-dallying on my website? Get out there and find me a book deal!

If you hate to read, just click on the audio link, below.

BatSheva (BatSheva Vaknin) – Seasons of LOVE – the BLOG

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes… How do you measure, Measure a year? – RENT (the musical)

You know the other night, I got to thinking… just exactly how many minutes of my life have I thus far spent in my children’s room, trying to get them to go to sleep? (I’m sure I don’t even need to say that this thought struck me as I was passing the ½ hour mark doing just that.)

To answer my question, I left my little one crying (the two bigger ones having mercifully fallen asleep already), and went to my desk. Took out the calculator, a pen, a stickie note (neon pink, if you must know – I KNOW they are overpriced, but who can put a price on things that make you that happy?), and got to work.

I reasoned that with 3 kids, the oldest turning seven this summer, I have probably spent ON AVERAGE about a half hour every night putting them to sleep. Yes, I know we have babysitters some nights, but then again, there are some nights they take hours to put to bed. So it evens out.

Here’s what I came up with:

30 (minutes) x 365 (days) x 7 (years – my oldest son & how long I’ve been doing this) = 76,650 minutes.

For those non-human calculators among you, that equals Fifty three days plus some change.


53 whole days!!!

Lord have mercy. I’m the kind of person who likes to maximize the use of my waking hours. I like to DO things, and to be of use. It could be argued that I’m happiest when I’m busiest (though I’ll hotly deny this if any of you leak this information to my husband – you know he’ll turn around & use it on me when it’s his turn to do dishes/put kids to bed).

Yes, it’s true, my husband does help – very often – to put our kids to bed. On average, I would guess he does it 2-3 times a week. Let’s be generous and say it’s 3 times a week. That still means I’ve spent the equivalent of ONE FULL MONTH putting kids to sleep.

Wait–! I didn’t even factor in the time it takes EACH DAY to get a baby down for his/her nap!

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes…


Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

I know they look peaceful, but guaranteed it took her like 2 hrs to get that little sucker to sleep!

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I’ve Been a Bad, Bad Girl

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 11:28 AM
Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Downton Abbey.

Okay, I admit, that alone does not excuse my lack of blogging (and not even bothering to re-post old blogs) for the last month+. But it is my latest obsession. And it may not be a coincidence that I watched season 2’s finale episode yesterday, and today is the first day I’ve been compelled to write another blog, despite numerous kind encouragements from friends and fans.

It may also explain why I feel an overwhelming urge to blog in a pseudo-English accent. O, Madonna, how I understand thee!

(PS. Madonna, I also am forever grateful for… uh… thee… specifically, for being 10 years older than me. Thanks to you looking hotter than a teenage Vogue model, I am less afraid to turn – gulp – FORTY – in one week than I would otherwise be.)

(Plus, I don’t feel quite so ridiculous about my newly adopted English accent, albeit it’s only used while I’m writing, not during my actual use of speech.)

So what have I been up to, this past silent month-point-five?

No great excuses for neglecting the blog, I’m afraid. Other than slight burnout, indulgence of my “free time” (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Whew, that was a good one! Wiping tears now, continuing on…), a rigorous workout discipline which includes a 5-days-a-week Insantiy workout, and perhaps most significantly, getting plenty of sleep… which as any writer will tell you, may very well be the number one enemy of getting shit written.

Sleep, that is.

I see I’m still dropping the occasional curse word as I write, despite the good influence of my Merchant-Ivory-ish friends over at Downton Abbey.

Well, let’s see what this next month-point-five brings us… since it WON’T be bringing us the next season of Downton Abbey (until September, I’ve heard), then maybe, at best, it will bring us some more inspiration, and accordingly, more new Grownup Girl blogs. Probably not 3 new ones a week, tho – probably more like 1-2 per week.

Here’s hoping!


Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

Who needs Brad and Ange with these 2 magnificent and tragically paired lovebirds?

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Wiper, no Wiping! Aw, Man!

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 10:45 AM
Thursday, May 24, 2012

As Monday’s blog may have subtley alluded to, I’ve been a bit tired lately.


Which is why this week I’ve been a bit off my game, and didn’t deliver the bloggage on time as usual.

Yeah, well, sue me.

Or, conversely, read on, about today’s tantalizing subject!

Baby wipes.


For those of you who don’t have kids yet, you are missing out on a lot of things. Sleep may not be one of those things. Cracked nipples may not be another. But one thing you ARE FOR SURE missing out on (until you read this blog), is the wonder and magic that is….. baby wipes!

They clean ANYTHING. Seriously.

Smudges on the wall? Baby wipes.

Stain on your shirt? Baby wipes.

Poop on your butt?

Okay, sorry, but you had to know that was coming. I’m actually a huge proponent of adults using “baby” wipes for their bathroom needs too! (the flushable kind, anyway) – Who said just because we got bigger our poop suddenly is less sticky & disgusting? And let’s face facts: we are not a “bidet society.”

You are welcome.

Oh, and a special shout out to Hugo Schwyzer, who not only had a new baby recently and therefore has a whole new excuse to buy endless boxes of baby wipes, but who also came to my rescue yesterday when I was out and about doing errands with my kids and stuck in his neighborhood with a poopy diaper. Well, not MY poopy diaper, per se, but it basically became “mine” as soon as it landed in my daughter’s diaper and started smelling up the car.

In swoops Captain Hugo, beloved by men, women and children everywhere! He did a drive-by – he actually drove to our location (Beverly Hills mini mall where my older daughter takes karate) and dropped off a small box of wipes.

Now THAT, my friends, is a true hero.


Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

More precious than gold. Cause let's face it, when your kid's got a poopy diaper, who's going to wipe his ass with a gold bracelet?

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Flashback Friday is BACK! (The Rub)

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 11:13 AM
Friday, May 18, 2012

Every Friday, I post an oldie but a goodie blog for your enjoyment. To those of you who just started reading The Grownup Girl recently, enjoy the “new” blog! To those of you who have been with me from the start, but have memories like mine, enjoy the “new” blog!

And to those who were with me from the start and who already read this blog and burned it into your memory, word for word, photogenically, I say:

What are you doing wasting your time dilly-dallying on my website? Get out there and find me a book deal!

If you hate to read, just click on the audio link, below.

BatSheva (BatSheva Vaknin) – The Rub – the BLOG

Usually, there are three ways I can put my one year old daughter to sleep.

#1: the easy way. Only happens if her nap is cut short and she’s very tired. In this case, she will nurse and fall asleep almost immediately after (or during) – no matter if her 2 sibs are still making noise (all 3 kids share a bedroom).

#2: the sucky way. Most often, the baby will be wide awake and want to play, nurse me dry, then play some more, then scream her lungs out and try to climb out of her crib, long after the 2 older sibs have passed out from exhaustion & from the sheer hopelessness of getting me to hear what they want to say over baby’s sleepless wails.

#3 the best way – my husband puts her to bed, or a babysitter does, in which case she will usually rest her head on their shoulder and allow them to put her to sleep within a matter of seconds.

But the other day… A 4th way was born!

I was alone with the 3 kids, Husband working late. It was much later than their usual bedtime, but 2 factors were working against me – 1, Baby had taken too long of a nap, I think over two hours, and 2, I had given her a bottle of almond milk to keep her busy while I helped Husband prepare for his meeting, and this milk has so much sugar that it woke her right up.

Brilliant planning, I know…

So as usual, the 2 bigger kids were giving me a bit of trouble, but both dropped off pretty quickly once the requisite hazing period was over. I was just starting to steel my shoulders in preparation for the screaming and crying and flailing from Baby as I refused to let her leave her crib, when I remembered something my mother had said to me once. When we were visiting my parents – not even our most recent trip, but I think it was the trip 1 year ago – my mom told me the baby fell asleep easily with her after she gave her a “baby massage”.

What the hell, right?

I started rubbing and gently kneading Baby’s shoulders and arms.

Holy crap.

Girlfriend lay still, relaxed, and loose, lapping up the feeling it was giving her. Encouraged, I kneaded her little chunky thighs, her calves, those romping stomping feet, back up to the shoulders, the arms, the hands. I even worked on her ears, her eyebrow bones and her chin. I was SO Burke Williams.

After a few quiet murmurs and a roll here and there… she yawned once and fell asleep.


To sleep , perchance to dream… my turn now.


Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

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The Best Mother’s Day… a Dream in Words

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 12:36 PM
Friday, May 11, 2012

As I sat down to list the top five or ten things a mother REALLY wants on mother’s day (to be able to sleep all night uninterrupted, all the way until 11am if she wants to, to be given space and time to catch up  on her favorite novel, to be treated by her husband to brunch, to be given flowers, jewelry, taken out to the movies – or allowed to go on her own), something occurred to me.

For our birthdays, we generally want stuff that we need or would love to have, but don’t have or want to spend the funds necessary to buy them for ourselves. Jewelry, new sneakers, a mani/pedi – these and other gifts are perfect for birthdays because they spoil us in a way that we’d like to spoil ourselves were we not so darned frugal.

The funny thing about Mother’s Day gifts is that the actual list looks similar to that of a birthday – mani/pedi or spa day, jewelry, new sneakers, a night out – but the idea behind them is very specific:

On Mother’s Day, we want to be given the exact things we can’t indulge in regularly exactly because we are moms.

Like a spa day. On a birthday, we appreciate a spa day gift certificate because it’s an indulgence we wouldn’t allow ourselves to purchase for ourselves. On Mother’s Day, we appreciate a trip to the spa because WE WANT TO GET THE HELL AWAY FROM OUR KIDS FOR A FEW HOURS.

Let’s get real, moms.

Being a mom is great but it’s hella hard work. “Mother’s Day” is every day for us – what we really want on Mother’s Day, therefore, are “Single Girl” gifts: flowers, jewelry, getting pampered for a day, or a movie night. Perhaps the best example of this is our favorite “Mother’s Day” Single Girl gift (take note, dads): 10 or more hours of uninterrupted sleep. (Single girls – you may protest here – I know you wake up early to go to the gym or work, and stay up late watching TV, partying, or studying, but really, how many of you can say you’ve spent 5 out of 7 nights a week getting woken up and then spending 5 to 120 minutes of those mid-night waking hours trying to soothe a child back to sleep? EVERY week? For SIX years straight? Thoughts not.)

Judge us if you want, but the real desire of every mother, every Mother’s Day, is not crayoned pictures from your little ones or breakfast in bed.

It’s a few hours – nay, let’s be real – 24 hours, of blissful quiet, grownup fun, and peace.

A Grownupgirl can always dream…


Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

This was the daughter (tall one in the back who looks exactly like I did when I was 6) who DIDN'T cry her lungs out during their school's most excellent Mother's Day brunch today.

Best Laid Plans

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 11:10 AM
Monday, April 30, 2012


  1. 1. Think of a good subject & write Monday’s blog.
  2. 2. Get kids to bed early.
  3. 3. Go to sleep by 10pm.
  4. 4. Sleep restfully in my bed.
  5. 5. Wake up at 5am.
  6. 6. Exercise.
  7. 7. Allow my great mood to influence my children as they wake and prepare for school.
  8. 8. Finish my writing assignment.
  9. 9. Help husband with work.
  10. 10. Get Tuesday’s blog ready.



  1. 1. Can’t think of anything to write about. Click a lot of “likes” on Facebook instead.
  2. 2. Get 2 kids to bed early. Then fall asleep in my son’s bed, trying to get HIM to sleep. Wake up when he is finally ready to sleep, an hour later.
  3. 3. Head to bed at 10… then get re-routed to Racheli’s room, where she has thrown up all over her bed.
  4. 4. Spend the next 2+ hours with Racheli as she barfs & writhes in pain, etc.
  5. 5. Sleep uncomfortably with 2 little knees poking into my back.
  6.  6. Wake up at 6:15 to the words, “Ima, my stomach hurts.”
  7. 7. Keep the bucket handy for Racheli while waking and getting the other 2 ready for school.
  8. 8. Yell at Yehuda for stealing, chewing, then spitting onto the floor an entire pack of gum.
  9. 9. Try to figure out how to get any work done, for me or my husband, while Racheli is still here and not feeling well.
  10. 10. Write this blog.

Happy Monday!



Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

O wise one.

No Exit

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 11:00 AM
Tuesday, April 17, 2012

You might say it’s “hard” to get everything done when you are a stay-at-home mom who also works part-time, blogs, volunteers, studies Kabbalah and keeps Shabbat, helps her husband with his work and is trying to learn guitar so I can actually accompany myself when I sing the songs that I wrote.

Then again, if you did say that… you’d be wrong.

Dead wrong.

It’s not hard at all!!!!


Why is it, that the minute I’ve folding four loads of laundry, there are instantly TWO new loads that must be washed? I haven’t even put the four loads away, for crying out loud! Seriously. They are spread out all over our living room couches.

No TV tonight, kids! It’s our clothes’ turn to watch their programs. Their soaps.

Did I mention I’m also losing my mind just a little bit?

The good part about THAT is that I seem to be losing the bit of my mind that actually thought I was able & CAPABLE OF FINISHING THINGS. Because I can’t.

The girls’ room was clean yesterday morning. Now every time I cross by it, my brain spasms ever so slightly at the sight of toys all over the rug. I WILL NOT GO IN THERE I WILL NOT CLEAN IT UP I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO LIKE – OH YEAH, EAT. OH YEAH, AND WORK.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

And by “mighty,” I mean those who used to have a full time housekeeper.

And by “fallen,” I mean they got trapped in a Sartre play, only this time the situation they cannot exit is the mess they live in.



Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

If you wanna hear one of my songs, just click on the audio link, below. Wouldn’t it be cool if I could strum along to my OWN SONG? Yeah. It would. WARNING: I HAVE NO TIME TO FIGURE OUT WORDPRESS SO WHEN U CLICK IT’S GOING TO OPEN UP A BLACK WEBPAGE. JUST SO YOU CAN HEAR THE SONG. YOU CAN SKIP IT IF YOU WANT. THOUGHT U SHOULD KNOW.

Another Lonely Night – BatSheva Vaknin

This was one of my album covers, back in the day. Ok, "Band flyer cover". But still. Hey, I'm talking to you! Quit looking at my nipple! Aw, forget it.


Bone Dry

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 10:56 AM
Monday, April 16, 2012

Folks, this GrownupGirl is tapped out. Tired. Done.

I wanted to try & sleep tonight before 11pm (I know, who am I kidding, right?)… just finished the exhausting & demoralizing process of applying for a partial scholarship for my 3 kids’ tuition… still need to read a script for work, oh, AND fold four loads of laundry. Literally.

Oh yeah, and wash my hair with the MOTHERFUCKINGLICECOMB because that’s what we moms do. When our heads itch.

And please don’t ask me if my room and my kids rooms still need to be cleaned.

So who has time to write a blog? No one’s paying me to write this, and my adoring fans numbering in the – uh – “aughts”? Is that a word? The adoring ones, plus the other occasional fans… still not quite the incentive I need to keep this thing alive.

So what is?

It’s an amazing creative outlet, for one. Duh.

And then there’s that ‘miracle’ aspect to it – the thing that I’ve noticed happened since I’ve been maintaining this blog, which is to say… a smoothness to life that otherwise feels mighty bumpy. That, and the direction of my professional life since I’ve kept up the blog has continued to move forward and – while not YET financially rewarding – it does appear a bit more exciting and promising, each and every month that passes.



I’ll stay up at least until midnight just for you.

And by “you” I mean, of course…


Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

What, you thought I was joking? I'M TIRED, I TOLD YOU! Freezing, too.


Esther in the Morning

posted by BatSheva Vaknin 12:09 PM
Monday, March 19, 2012

SCENE OPENS: It is 8 am on a Sunday, after BatSheva has gotten about 5-ish hrs of much-interrupted sleep.

“Ima!” My little almost-three year old is staring up at me from the side of my bed. All I want to do is roll over and go back to sleep, but I know my husband has slept even less than I have. So, I force myself to get up.

She wants me to make her “ochel like a little baby” – our name for Gerber’s baby oatmeal (ochel means “food” in Hebrew; don’t ask me how you actually say “Oatmeal”) which was my 3 kids’ first food & one they still enjoy.

She also wants me to sit with her while she eats, so I perch myself sleepily at my desk and look through emails, waiting for her to finish so I can plop her in front of the television and get another hour of not-enough-sleep.

Then, she speaks:

“Ima, how was your day?”

After a pause (like, uhhhh, you mean the day that just started when you woke me up three hours into the 2nd half of my attempt to sleep through the night?), I reply.

“Great. How was your day?”


“Wow. That’s great.”

“Yeah. When is your birthday?”

“July 23rd. I’m going to be 40.”

“I’m going to be 40, too!”

“You’re going to be three.”

“I want to be 40. Like you.”

After a pause… hmmmm, is this a discussion worth having? No. No, it is not.

“Okay. You can be 40, too.”


We kiss.

Yay, indeed.

And this is just one of the reasons my daughter is awesome.


Sheva (BatSheva Vaknin)

Esther doesn't just eat spaghetti. She lives spaghetti.

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